The Bethel Syndrome

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As a Christian who was also a creative writer, I was excited to go to a “creativity” conference at Bethel Church. It would be the first time I would go to this church which was super exciting because the church I considered my home church got part of its doctrine from Bethel. The worship team would often play their worship songs which I always enjoyed. Not to mention a few members of that church were students at a supernatural (holy spirit focused) ministry school that was connected to Bethel, so I wanted to experience Bethel Church for myself. I wanted the Bethel experience, but what I got was the Bethel syndrome.

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Realizing I Was in a Cult

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*This essay will be part of a series of essays on my deconstruction of Christianity

It’s hard for me to write this, but writing has always been a way for me to release the
things in my soul that needed to be released. And I need to release my exit from the charismatic Pentecostal faith which I realized is actually a cult.

Continue reading “Realizing I Was in a Cult”

There’s Nothing Else to Say

If I were to tell you my dream,
it’s really a dream within dreams.

You see

I see myself laying on the chest of another girl
as pretty as the sparkle in God’s eye

when He made the stars

simply insecure but I’m talking
about all the books I’ve read
while she caresses my hair

and I look forward to the pizza we’ll order later.

My dreams are vast and may seem pointless
because I’m living life mundane
with others who don’t overthink like I do

but welcome my running thoughts into their arms
all the same.

My religious heart is eager to talk all things God
with loved ones as we sip tea
and watch the rain punch cafe windows in the gut.

Because I have a lot of questions that I know
won’t exactly be answered until I’m face to face
with the One who knitted me together in the first place.

Though I want to ask Him why my life couldn’t just be like my dreams
because now it just seems like

reality is nothing else to say.

Reality is on the surface of media where overthinking
is an eternal feed and even my mind
in all it’s in depth insecurities and assured brilliance
can’t take it in any longer

because now since all these thoughts are out there
I know what everyone is thinking
and my insecurities are now sure of what people think of me

and the devil is happy

because now his right hand man, depression
is all consuming and I can’t see God anymore
because I know what everyone is thinking

and there’s nothing else to say

no point in adventures
no point in exploration of how much love we can give
there’s just these mirrors

constantly reflecting ourselves

we see just ourselves
and there’s nothing else to see
nothing else to do

there’s nothing else to say

just an emptiness that will eat and eat and eat
until it’s satisfied
until there’s nothing else.